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Campus Protests Drive U.C. Berkeley Chancellor To Install ‘Escape Hatch’ Outside Of Office

August 12, 2016

Certain things just scream ‘back to school’ – sales at Target, NFL preseason coverage on ESPN, and university administrators building escape hatches at their offices to dodge mobs of campus protestors.

To a lot of people the 2015-2016 academic year seemed like ‘The Year Of The Campus Protestor’…hordes of angry students rallied on campuses around the country holding weekly Arab Spring-like uprisings over trigger warnings, microaggressions, and Halloween costumes.

Sometimes those protests took the form of sit-ins leaving staff members barricaded inside of their offices, lest they step outside to feel the wrath of the millennial mob.

Now, it seems one administrator has had enough.

FOX News reports that University of California Berkeley Chancellor Nicholas Dirks has installed an escape hatch outside of his office in case ‘student protestors descend on the administration building.’

It seems that football teams aren’t the only ones warming up for the season, as word of the escape hatch had already drawn complaints from the student body.

“There has to be other ways to handle student concerns and protests than simply building ways to avoid them,” ASUC Senator-elect Chris Yamas told the paper. “The chancellor seems elitist and out of touch and inaccessible to the students.”

Sounds like Yamas is in midseason form already, look for him to be a big contributor when bored co-eds decide to stage a month long hunger strike over the cultural appropriation underlying the Berkeley cafeteria’s taco Tuesday promotion.

With campus favorite Bernie Sanders getting muscled out of the Democratic nomination, and perennial social justice scourge Donald Trump appearing on the GOP ticket, shortly before the Christian, capitalist holiday of Christmas, the professionally offended will have their hands full come the fall semester.

If you’ve been slacking on your summer reading then the time is now to bust out your copy of Saul Alinsky’s ‘12 Rules For Radicals’ and get ready for some campus protesting.

See you guys on the first day of class!